Updated October 10, 2000


Insomnia, dyslexia and agnostic

Q: What does an agnostic dyslexic insomniac do at night?

A: Lies awake wondering whether there really is a dog.

Who Needs Expensive Alarm Clocks?

Buy a cat. Feed it every morning at 7:30 or whenever it is that you need to get up.

Then throw out your cheesey $8 alarm clock. Your cat will take its place handily. No more oversleeping-- your cat doesn't have a snooze bar!

Your cat can't be turned off. You can't forget to set your cat the night before. Even if you leave your cat outside, it will pound on your window until you wake up.

Your cat has a series of alarm modes with gradually increasing signal intensity:

All this, for the cost of shots, neutering, assorted vet bills, and one can of Nine Lives a day for the next 12 years.


A True Medical Blooper

This is a direct quote from a patient. "Would you get me my sleeping pill? I'm starting to get sleepy and I don't want to fall asleep before I get it!"

The Case of Buck Naked

In Pensacola, Florida an officer got a call about a man exposing himself. The officer found him in his car asleep outside a convenience store with no clothes on.

She approached the vehicle and knocked on the window and woke him up. "Where's your clothes, Sir?" she asked. He replied groggily, "I don't have any clothes on." "I can see that, Sir," the officer replied. "I am going to have to take you in for indecent exposure," she exclaimed.

He asked if he could put his clothes on. The officer looked in the vehicle and all she saw was shoes and socks. She explained to him that shoes and socks were not going to make much of a difference. He pulled some clothes out from between the seats and began dressing.

The officer arrested him and took him to the station. She commented, "We don't have that many flashers that fall asleep on the job!!"

-- True story seen on America's Dumbest Criminals.

Junior Meets the Sandman

What happens when a cat burglar curls up for a cat nap?

In Nashville, Tennessee, Junior saw a woman leaving her home with a suitcase. The burglar pried the door open and went inside. Junior began to look around for things he could steal.

Then Junior got hungry. He went to the kitchen and found a whole roasted chicken and cranberry juice, and consumed them. He decided to lay down and watch some TV before leaving.

The house had a nice king size waterbed. Junior took his shoes off, got comfortable and fell asleep.

In the meantime, the woman's flight was cancelled and she returned home to find the sleeping burglar.

She called the police and they arrived and woke him up ( at gunpoint) and arrested him. The arresting officer exclaimed laughing, "The man said he was tired. I guess he had a long day!"

-- True story seen on America's Dumbest Criminals.


The Case of the Speeding Napper

An undercover officer was running radar when she pulled over a speeder.

The man was clocked at 65 in 40 mph zone. The man put his car in park and jumped into the back seat and lay down. The officer didn't know if he was going for a weapon or what he was doing, so she called for a backup unit.

When the backup unit arrived, they approached the vehicle. There was a female sitting in the front passenger side. The officer asked, "What's he doing?" The passenger replied, "I don't know what he's doing!"

The officer asked the man, "Sir, what are you doing?" The man did not reply and pretended to be asleep. The officer asked him several times what he was doing and told him to get up. The man pretended to "wake up" and tried to tell the officer that he wasn't driving the car! He also insisted she had the wrong car and he had been asleep in the back seat!

The man had warrants out on him and was arrested for DUI. That little "nap" got the driver a nice long strech in jail!

-- True story seen on America's Dumbest Criminals.

Did You Hear About the Sleep Deprived Burglar?

Apparently this burglar had hit several houses in the neighborhood and had wakened the owners in one home. In the present home he had broken into, he heard the police cruisers driving up and down the street. So he decided to "lay low" and laid down on the couch, where he promptly fell asleep.

In the pre-dawn, the owner of the house came downstairs to turn on the furnace. He saw the man sleeping on his couch.  He went back upstairs, called the police and gathered his children and wife in the master bedroom, which had a lock on the door.

While the man was gathering his children, he saw a police cruiser coming up the street. So he tip-toed to the front door to let the policeman in. The burglar was asleep and snoring on the couch. The officer drew his gun and said "Buddy, this is your wake up call!"

   ------ Heard on the Maury Povitch show.

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep--A Tired Mother's Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot
May I lie back--not have to think
about what they're stuffing down the sink,
or who they're with, or where they're at
and what they're doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean...
(Well heck, I've got the right to dream)
Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know...
I must have lost them long ago!

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